Scissor Me Timbers - Paperback

My Dearest Inamorata Virgin Mary:

I beseech thy heavenly help. For a seductive serpent has infiltrated my lady garden and enchanted my convent with her feminine wiles. My daily thoughts drift to her most holy of places before they become my most fanny-fluttering nightmares. Lead me not into her slippery path, for I fear her ultimate pleasure would lead to my ultimate punishment. Give me chastened strength, forsooth. May I pluck out my eye that I cast upon her rotund derrière. May I cut off my arm that aches to caress her ample bosom. Keep her womanly entrance and her blasphemous booty from my hallucinatory escapades. Guide my hand so I might smite this plaid-clad vixen's descent upon my henhouse. Transmute me into a voluptuous vessel for your wrath. Give me the vengeance I implore. Before the demoness sees fit to devour us all.

Pray for us, sinners,

Mother Superior