Fought Disorder - Paperback

Fought Disorder

A True Story of Utter Bollocks

What happens when reality stops behaving like reality?

Fought Disorder is a raw, darkly funny, and deeply human account of a young man's descent into cannabis-induced psychosis-and the long, uncomfortable road back out again. Told with unflinching honesty, the book charts a period in which coincidence becomes conspiracy, symbols replace sense, and the world begins to speak in riddles that feel terrifyingly personal.

Set across psychiatric wards, university flats, hospital corridors, and the fractured interior of a mind under siege, this is not a story about "madness" in the caricatured sense. It is about fear, grief, love, shame, humour, and the strange logic that takes hold when perception itself burns.

Written from inside the experience rather than in hindsight alone, Fought Disorder captures what psychosis feels like while it is happening: the sincerity of delusion, the moral panic, the moments of absurd comedy, and the quiet, human kindness that can cut through even the worst confusion. It is as much about vulnerability and responsibility as it is about illness-about learning when to trust yourself, when not to, and how to treat others gently when you are at your lowest.

This is not a clinical memoir, a self-help manual, or a redemption fantasy. It is a true story told plainly, sometimes uncomfortably, often irreverently, and always with compassion-for the author, for the people who tried to help him, and for anyone who has ever lost their footing and wondered if they would find solid ground again.

If you've ever questioned your own mind, struggled with substance use, supported someone in crisis, or simply wanted an honest account of how fragile-and resilient-human perception can be, this book is for you.

Respect the doctors. Be kind.
You'll look back and laugh on this in time.

An important warning:
This book uses several narrative, literary, psychological, and psycholinguistic techniques that, while intended to give readers a sense of what psychosis can be like, may elicit (sub)clinical psychotic experiences in vulnerable individuals. It also contains strong reference to drug use, addiction, suicidal ideation and attempt, and other challenging themes.

Ethics and confidentiality:
This book describes real events that took place in 2014, and it was written in the same year. While the names and physical descriptions of staff and patients have been changed, I am mindful that some people may still recognise themselves. I have strived to only include information about places and people that informed the shape of my delusions. Conversations are presented as I recall them, and events are presented as I interpreted them at the time. Where possible, these have been cross-checked against my clinical notes. Difficult material is discussed openly, as I believe that an authentic account of one psychotic experience is more important than being seen favourably. Some portions of the book have been redacted at the request of those mentioned. I have also delayed publication by ten years to offer further protections to those involved. I have ultimately worked to be true to my own experience while remaining sensitive to the struggles of others. I am also no longer the person I was in 2014, nor, I'm sure, are the people described. In the intervening ten years, I have learnt much more about mental health, communication, and relationships. Many of the opinions and attitudes that I held at the time of writing have shifted. I have nevertheless preserved the text as it was written back then, to avoid misrepresenting the experience.